Parenthood preparation course
The following course is intended to help perspective parent to grow
into their role gradually. Do not underestimate this kind of
preparation!
- Before the childbirth (for women):
-
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of
your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Remove 10 percent of the
beans afterwards.
- Before the childbirth (for men):
-
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to
the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited
to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for
the last time.
- Feeding Test:
- Obtain a
large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the
mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the
contents of the jug on the floor.
- Dressing Test:
- Obtain one
large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that
all arms stay inside.
- Toy Test:
- Obtain a 55-gallon
box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing
tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream.
(This could wake a child at night.)
- Grocery Store Test:
- Borrow
one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you
shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything
they eat or damage.
- Mess Test:
- Smear peanut butter
on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub
on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer.
- Night Test:
- Prepare by obtaining
a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly
in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM.
Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your
bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more
and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
- Automobile test:
- Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a
chocolate icecream cone and put it into the glove compartment. Leave
it there. Get a dime and stick it into the cassette player. Take a
family size bag of chocolate chop cookies and mash them into the back
seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
- Final Assignment:
- Find a
couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve
their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table
manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they
should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It
will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Back to the hobby page of
Ondrej Sipr.